Archive | January, 2015

NO DOUBT, HOLD OUT, GOD Will Bring You OUT

23 Jan

At first- I didn’t know- how to begin this post…..

I pondered if I should write in 3rd person, speak rhetoric (generalizing) or just flat- attempt to position without emotion-Neither of which would be effective nor my Truth.

I have come to the realization- My Truth is absolutely Nothing to Be ashamed of- in fact- quite the opposite. No matter what stage of life you are in… I’m sure, (to some degree) you too- have felt like Giving Up. 12 plus years ago- I had written a letter to my sons.  It wasn’t until recent- I found it in my safe. As I read, I begin to cry- because- I could not identify with ‘her’.. What would make ‘me’ think of Ending My Life. Surely things weren’t that bad!

I read some years ago a verse, “
King James Bible
And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.

I guess by haven declared this as often as I did- I didn’t fully understand………The load I would have to carry……

FLASHBACK: Saturday, August 24, 2002

“Dear Boys, (I’ll refrain from names)

I Love You Very Much. The reason I started out with that is because I don’t know when my clock will STOP ticking and I want y’all to be absolutely sure about my feelings. You guys may or may not understand everything that’s going on or has gone on in the past- but y’all keep growing and you will find out that the life we are living is NO joke. So much has gone on with me in my life- starting with the man- y’all know as Dad. You were too young to understand how or why. There are No good answers- I can give. We have had our good and bad times-mostly bad, but y’all’s Momma is a God fearing woman and that is one person you cannot lie to.

In life we have choices. God gives us a mind to make decisions. It is up to us whether we choose to live spiritual and do what God would have us or if we are going to satisfy our flesh only. Let me tell y’all something; the flesh is our sinful nature we’re born with- so we have to resist it because the devil has people working for him- that will make you show your natural ass. That is when you regroup, check yourself and tell him, ‘I don’t think so, Devil- see I know whose child I am, the Father, the most high, Jehova. Don’t be scared!” I have always tried my best to teach y’all right from wrong. You boys are the reason I think I am still alive. If it had not been for the grace of God and for him reminding me that I have something to live for! These 3 boys will grow to be responsible, handsome, respectful, and God-fearing men.”

HOPE

“Just by me writing this to y’all gives me HOPE! TRUTH be told- this letter would have been the last thing I do before getting my ticket to Heaven before KILLING MYSELF. I would hate for y’all to grow up without me. More than that, I would hate for y’all to think it was your fault. I don’t ever want y’all to think to that I could have done better if you weren’t ever born- because BEFORE you, I had NO GOALS. Y’all are my most precious Gifts- God could have ever given me besides LIFE.

I want so much for y’all…………………….”

 

Jan 2015

(This letter is actually 5 pages long) -My objective is/was to briefly paint an image of a REAL Survivor.

As you can see- I was at a place- where dysfunction and confusion had become my norm.

Believers and Followers of Christ know- that committing suicide is the Only way God Cannot Forgive.

BUT

Why Now..Do I choose to Share…………..?!

Well, We all have faced obstacles that distracted us- or took us out of our safe zone-

On the External WE look Amazing- but Suffering in silence isn’t God’s Will.

I choose to be transparent- because I have tapped into my Purpose and I understand My role as a vessel.

 

Reflect: Luke 9:23

Live Purposely and Love Infectiously

 

Strength in the Struggle

16 Jan

The ARTIST:

     Subconsciously I stare at my nakedness in the mirror, reluctantly preparing to go to, yet, another boring conference. “Sometimes – I don’t know why I bother”, are thoughts I ponder. I have already anticipated this being the Worst event – because, as always, I am the only faithful one who fills in- when the “paid” deems this job is beneath them.

     This is definitely not how I imagine my life to be at 30. People often compliment me; telling me how I am so smart, and beautiful. And I wonder are they pitying me or just simply blind. Surely they see these scars!

I have attempted reconstructive surgeries with very little success. Sometimes if the light shines just right I can still see the discoloration of my neck and bruised arms. Not one brand of makeup has been effective in shielding.

How can I truthfully continue to bring awareness to these women if I’m still hurt about what happened!

I make a pretty decent living for myself and son- so the lack of pay doesn’t bother me much. What has me so torn-is the chain of events that have occurred and the stories I’ve heard and the secrets I’ve been keeping. I’m screaming on the inside but no one hears!

My present being is at a stand still, as I try hard to remember to forget. I begin reiterating statements of validation in an effort to manage to put one foot in front of the next- and face my demons.

I will never forget the brightness of faces staring back at me- as 200 women- who’s possibly experienced similar anguish- applauded my entrance.

I am an event planner by trade and also serve as a Motivational Speaker for one of the most demanding, prominent cities in the United States. I have successfully facilitated a few events- raising awareness to mental and sexual abuse among family members.

My expertise goes beyond my Masters in Human Psychology. Nonetheless, I still have feelings of inadequacy because most of the women are Very Professional and of Wealthy Stature………..And mainly fear of judgement.

WELLP’……Here Goes….Screenshot_2017-06-26-17-50-55-1.png

How To Conquer Heartbreak

14 Jan

How To Conquer Heartbreak.

‘Often Times..We are Given Advice…About Moving Forward…..But Somethings are Easier Said Than Done’

Here’s a Flashback..’2012

Just wanted to share: ( I rarely talk about)…Been Divorced for 8.5 years…my ex husband and I share 3 handsome young men together…in addition he has several other children……since then it hasnt been the smoothest road..I must say….(you can imagine… the arguments we had)…he doesn’t help financially, nor does he call…(we live in different states…but this causes no bearing… it was the same before I relocated)…. anyway….months after I moved I toiled and stressed over the hows, whens, and whys….of him supporting….and finally closed that Child Support Madness…Never asked for anything! I prayed and Believed that God Will Always Equip My Sons and Me. Where I live I have no blood family…or friends I have grown up with or could call…should I need help…So My Father has always Provided the Connection of PPL….( Very Grateful) He has allowed me to be a vessel and share with many ppl. ..When my Ex and I see each other…there isn’t an ounce of monotony or animosity….its just Love….God has healed my heart to forgive..and not be hindered by the past or present…Does this mean that he (my ex husband) is Free of his Responsibility to our Sons….Absolutely Not…It Means that….Bitterness Will Not Consume Me! The Enemy is a Liar..! I Declare… I am More Than a Conqueror! I Am…What the Lord Says I Am…

If you are holding on to hurt someone has committed….Let Go..Let God!!!!